


The Absurd and Unnecessarily Horrifying Adventures of Rick Sanchez and the Pines Twins

by Maksvell



Category: Gravity Falls, Pocket Mortys, Rick and Morty
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Arcades, Blips and Chitz, Dipper Pines is a Dork, Dipper Pines is a Mess, Dipper is awkward around a cute alien girl, Grunkle Rick, Mabel's Army of Mortys, Rick's a prick, Teenage Dipper Pines, Teenage Mabel Pines, Teenage Pines Twins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-21 21:30:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16584554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maksvell/pseuds/Maksvell
Summary: Come with us now and watch as Rick Sanchez hangs out with his new Grand-Niece and Nephew.





	The Absurd and Unnecessarily Horrifying Adventures of Rick Sanchez and the Pines Twins

It was friday in Gravity Falls, the air was cool, and the day was lovely, but did Mabel and Dipper notice? No, I’m afraid they did not, the twins had resorted to staying inside, hanging out, shooting the shit, and lazing about. Dipper had his nose in a mystery book entitled, “The Mystery of The Mister E© brand Mystery”. While his sister Mabel knitted a sweater. It was the third sweater she had knitted within the span of a minute. The calm laziness of their day was then suddenly broken by a green portal opening up in the middle of their shared bedroom, and from it falling a pretty buzzed, haggard scientist, or as they knew him, Grunkle Rick. The portal closed behind him, and he shuddered slightly when Mabel wrapped a hug around him. 

“GRUNKLE RICK!”, she shouted as she hugged him.

“Oh jeez...heya s-sport, how’s my favourite...greice?”

“I’m great.”

“Indeed you are.”

When Mabel pulled away, rick suddenly found that somehow in the thirty second hug she had managed to knit him a full sweater that wrapped around his torso like a warm cuddle made of kittens. It was light grey and so very soft. For a brief second he thought about how she managed to get it on him without him noticing, and in the span of mere seconds at that. But, he had become too familiar with the nature of the Pines family, and he found that it was best to not question it. He wakes up in a cold sweat from it to this day, to this day it makes his blood run as cold as ice in the middle of a Plutonian blizzard. Rick Sanchez remembers the existential nightmare that is Mabel Juice.

“What are you doing here Rick?”, asked Dipper inquisitive as Rick stripped off his lab coat and slipped on the grey sweater over his shirt.

“Hmmm? Oh right...a-apparently. Stan thinks that I’m not taking an active role in, iInnn the lives of my Grenk...fu… I’m gonna hafta come up with a blanket term to refer to the two of you, b-but the point is he wants me to take the two of you on an adventure of sorts during the summer. Sooooo… I’m gonna take you two somewhere where the likelihood of, of the two of you getting eaten or attacked by some sort of a f-funny alien are next to none.”

“Awww, but that’s boring.”

“Damn...darn right.”, said Rick, who even in his drunken state, tried to keep himself from swearing in front of the twins for Stan’s sake. Mabel noticed this and decided to view this as a personal challenge.

“But, bottom line. Where are we going Rick? It’s not like some sort of an alien race track where you’re going to make bets on Mabel and I to see who beats the other in a race is it?”

“Nah, w-what gave you that idea, D-dip?”

“Morty told me about what you did to him and Summer.”

“That little sh…Guess what Mabel? We have to go somewhere else because your brother is a buzzkill.”

“Booooooooo.”, shouted Mabel as she pumped her fist in the air, at her brother.

“What? Mabel, Rick is a dangerous lunatic that wanted to place bets on us, doesn’t that sound, I dunno degrading to you?”

“Fun things are fun Dipper. And you’re just chicken because you know that I’d win.”

“Whoa, HA HO!”, shouted Rick as he and Mabel proceeded to bump fists.

“I’m not gonna dignify that with a response.”

“I t-think Mabel’s b-becoming my new favourite, better catch up Dipper.”, Mabel laughed sinisterly in response.

“Okay, jesus fine. I’ll tag along on whatever excursion this is, but if I die, I’m going to haunt the both of you.”

“F-fine by me.”, said Rick as he took a swig from his flask and shot a portal at the northmost wall. The twins found themselves in the very epicenter of entertainment, it was a sprawling arcade of some sort, covered in an orange carpet that was so soft it could be felt through the soles of their shoes. They took moment to marvel at the arcade as they did a brief spin on their heels.

“WeEEEllcome, to BLIPS AND CHITZ!”

“Wow, it’s, it’s an arcade? Why can’t I see it’s bounds?”

“Well, t-thaAat’s because it’s roughly infinite.”

“Roughly infinite, that’s not possible Rick.”

“W-well, y’see lil Pine, this whole place exists within a semi-microverse. T-the interior of the building was designed by me and a-a couple other guys, gals, and w-what have yous back when I was in m-my twenties,” Rick took a sip from his flask and stared very intensely at Dipper. “I miss being in my twenties Dip...But anyways it’s basically a small universe contained within the confines of a-a building roughly the size of an outhouse or a p-portable toilet.”

“Why?”

“Do you think it’s cheap to s-set up fifty-trillion arcade machines, h-half of which require the energy intake of a m-metropolis? D-do you think Grunkle Rick h-has that kind of cash?”

“Ummm…”

“Well the answer to the last one is yes, b-but Dippin Dot’s it’s all about the a-affordability of the space. Dippy, r-right now this places is j-jammed in between w-what is essentially a-a bait shop and an a-abattoir. That little a-alleyway cost me, about a hundred and s-sixty Trixkeens, Dip and I’m-made it works. Do ya feel me Dip?”

“Rick, you’re scaring me.”

“Well, I wouldn’t worry too much about that Dip. Y-you’ll find in life that l-lots of things might scare you, b-but the point is y-you have to face them head-on. Y’know?”

“Right, yeah. You’re right Grunkle Rick.”

“I know, now take this boy,” Rick said before handing both twins a gun and a bag of game tokens. Dipper looked at the gun in his hand for a long time and then looked back up at Rick with a very confused and scared expression. “It’s f-for the rat’s, y’see.”

“Rats?”

“Well, n-not rats in the earth sense, but rats in the parasite way. The worker drones here h-have been keeping them isolated to the area near the earth video games, s-so best to take care in case they spread into the a-arcade proper.”

Dipper started to stare back at the gun again, he contemplated the cold, science fiction ass pistol in his hands, and had some very intense thoughts about these “Rats” that Rick was talking about.

“Well, I suppose you too are pretty wEEelll equipped to d-deal with w-whatever abominations you find, s-so see you two in an hour, I’m gonna go play Roy.”  
And then he stumbled off, disappearing into a crowd of aliens and extra-dimensional horrors. Mabel began to sprint off in the opposite direction with her tokens.

“Mabel? Mabel? Where are you going?”

“Summer took me here once, I know exactly what I’m getting.”

“But Mabel…”

“Dipper, you’ll be fine.”, she said as she too vanished among the crowd of aliens who wandered aimlessly from console to console. Dipper let out a sigh and decided to look for a game. He wandered for a bit, learning fearfully away from the variety of strange beings that would occasionally bump into him as he wandered around. His focus was on a particular arcade cabinet in the corner that had caught his attention. He wandered close to it, but he was immediately cut off by an alien running into him. The fourteen-year old let out a scream that sounded as though it belonged to a four-year-old girl as he fell to the ground. He looked up and standing over him was a human? Or at least they looked as human as you could get if you ignored the pale blue skin, the eyes that looked as though the pupils and irises were made of gemstones, and the fangs. Otherwise, she looked totally human. And upon her human-like face she wore an expression of embarrassment.

“Oh, jeez. I’m so sorry.”, she helped Dipper to his feet. Now, initially Dipper was terrified of this humanish alien, but then he began to soften as he began to recognize what he would call human emotions.

“N-no, no, it’s my fault. I-I should have been watching where I was going.”

She squinted at him, her eyes narrowing on him.

“Wow, I’ve never seen one of you around before. What the hell are you doing all the way out here?”

“My grand uncle is a scientist, he uhhh he…”

“Is that typical?”

“Is what typical?”

“The amount of condensation on your...what’s the word? That little space above your eyebrows, it’s...forehead. It’s forehead right?”

“I...yeah?”

“Okay, but back to what you were saying about your grand uncle?”

“Yeah, my grand uncle brought us here for our summer vacation.”

“What is summer?”

“Oh, it’s...Oh, right you’re probably from a planet where the weather is typically very cold, yeah?”

She stared at him with a curious and inquisitive look, “How’d you know that?”

“Well, my uncles let me study a few of their log books, your appearance is derivative of a thing that my uncle Rick called a Snylaxian, the characteristic blue skin is used to absorb more light from their suns to provide their bodies with more heat. That would also explain the, thin layer of white on your forearms.”

As he said that she looked down at her arms and began to rub in some of the sunscreens that she didn’t quite rub into her skin properly.

“Well, I’m not exactly a Snylaxian? Or whatever you called it. My species is called Werients, and you are correct that our species does, in fact, have blue skin to retain heat from our distant sun.”

“Sorry, if that bothered you, I’ve been told that I get a little rambly.”

“No, no, no, you’re all good.”, she extended a hand to him.

“I believe that members of your species traditionally shake hands when you meet. So, I extend mine to you and say, ‘Hello, I am Nir’glatir.’”

Dipper, in response gently grasped Nir’glatir’s hand, which was surprisingly warm to the touch. “A pleasure to meet you Nir’glatir, I am Dipper Pines. ”

“Say, Dipper Pines would you perhaps like to join me for a game or two of Roy?”

“I would like that very much.”

And the two happy teens wandered off to the nearest empty Roy machine and began to take turns on it. It seemed to last hours, beginning with Nir’glatir taking “Roy” on the “Incompetent President of the United States” route, and ending with Dipper taking “Roy” on the “Paranormal Reality TV show host” route. The two then began to play a secondary game while they played Roy. While playing one route the other would feet the other something from a vending machine in order to confuse the machine. So, while “Roy” was sitting in the Oval Office he would often find himself eating a ham sandwich that tasted a lot like toffee peanuts. All in all their sessions with the Roy game would often end with them laughing hysterically when the game would reset. By the end of the day, Dipper and Nir’glatir were spent, resorting to sitting on a bench near one of the many “Entrances” of Blips and Chitz. Dipper was very satisfied with the way the day’s events played out, he got to hang out with a cool alien girl who seemed to have mastered the middle age level of Roy like a champ. The two sat by each other, enjoying the company of one another when out of the blue Rick and Mabel emerged, Mabel was followed by a small army of six Mortys, all of which dressed and styled in a variety of outfits that Dipper knew his Morty would never dressed in. Suddenly, and without any warning, Rick drew a pistol from a holster hidden by his coat and drew a beat of Nir’glatir.

“H-hands where I can see them.”, and she raised her hands.

“Rick, Rick. Wait…”

“Oh, Jesus t-tap dancing christ not this shit. L-look Dip, I get it. I hang o-out with Morty f-for...frick’s sake. J-just step away from the “Cute Alien Girl”. ”

“W-what? No, it’s not like that we’re friends.”

“Look, Dipper. We can have this talk l-later, but you really have no idea w-what kinda danger you’re in.”

“We’ve been hanging out playing video games all day.”

“Well no duh, D-dipstick. R-remember the rats that I told you about?”

“No.”

“Y-yeah, so step away before she f-fucking eats you.”

Nir’glatir turned to Dipper, who wore upon his face, yet another look of pure confusion and shock. 

“Look Dipper, yeah this was a long con to try and get a free meal, but if it’s any consolation I did have fun hanging out with you today.”, she planted a kiss on his left cheek and sprinted away, snatching a Rainbow Shirt Morty from Mabel’s army as Rick attempted to pepperbox her with his laser pistol. And Dipper just sat there, confused, annoyed, and really, really upset. They left the Blips and Chitz that day, a Morty short and a mind filled with confusion. Rick shot a portal onto a wall, and they stepped through into their bedroom. Mabel was content, surrounded by her army of Morty servants, all of whom believed her to be their Rick. Mabel sat on her bed, while Girl Morty painted her toenails and Rick stood before them.

“O-okay, kids now remember, you tell Stanley that you guys had a fun time at the arcade and that Grunkle Rick didn’t swear even once. Understand?”

Dipper turned to Rick, a look that communicated to all that he was still completely dumbfounded. “I think I hate you, Rick, I genuinely do think that I hate you.”

“Ah, you’ll get over it. Morty’s g-got billions of erased memories of him almost getting eaten by “Cute Alien Girls” d-don’t worry yer little Dipper head about it, buddy..”

“I-i’m sorry what? What?”, Dipper’s look of bewilderment immediately shifted to a look of abject horror. “What? E-erased memories? W-why?”

“S-sometimes Dip, it’s good to lose memories, p-plus think about all the times you might have died and I’ve had to bring you back to life with science.” , said Rick with the intention of calming him down.

This did the opposite of his intention. Dipper stared at him for five minutes straight, eyes wide, and unblinking. 

“Well, G'night kids. And M-Mabel d-don’t feed those Mortys after midnight, t-they have a tendency to go feral and have start cults in the woods if you do that.”

“That’s a myth and you know it, Rick.”

“M-Maybe, but I'm not letting you know if I’m lying o-or not.”

“True.”

“Mabel, how are you okay with any of this?”

“Dipper, I have an army of Morty servants to get me whatever I want, I intend to grow fat in my bed, knitting sweaters while my Mortys provide me with food.”

“I’m going to bed, I...I don’t want to think about today, but I’m going to.”

And Dipper would lay there, awake for the entire night, not out of the sheer shock of the day’s events, but out of the fear of what the Morty in the scary bunny mask would do to him if he fell asleep. Occasionally the bunny mask Morty would lean in close to his ear and whisper horrible things to him, terrible things about the malleability of reality and Dipper would cry, and the bunny mask Morty would only laugh. Sometimes Dipper would wish that Weirdmageddon succeeded in destroying reality if it meant that that THING wasn’t in his room.


End file.
